Lipstick, Listerine and DLC

In days of yore when gaming was delivered on cassette and the hideous howling that erupted as it scratched its way from hell to your TV caused tears of fear to flood the cheeks of many a parent and luddite, the thought of pressing a button for instant content wasn't even a thought.

I remember trawling through the rain with my Grandfather to purchase Airwolf on the Atari from a swarthy mans car boot. It cost me two copper pieces and the promise that when the black moon rose I would flock to his banner. Receipts were signed in saliva and blood and sealed with a lusty bellow of "Aye!"

It was bloody hard going as well as inconvenient. Sure it was an adventure for a five year old, weaving through the Stoke Market with the scent of ash and meat tickling your nostrils as my keeper asked for the whereabouts of "The Gamey Man" to much confusion and shrugs of shoulders. At one point Grandad might have pulled a Jack Bauer on the tea lady to get hold of this precious info, dammit.

Even then, there was no guarantee that the tape would even work or be any good. We were hunters of entertainment and our prey was wily and prone to tricks.

Come 1996 my best friend and I had become Squaresoft acolytes after playing Secret of Mana and reading Super Play. A Magazine of such radiance that merely opening it would illuminate ignorant European children to the glories we were denied. Chrono Trigger, Final fantasy, Seiken Densetsu III with their ridiculously epic storylines and sharp graphics; music to make you strangle the family pet with an emotionally charged embrace.

We'd buy these games from the local pirate who plied his cruel trade above a video store. Thin as a rake and twice as sharp up top with a beard weaving a look of wickedness on his ratlike features. Said pirate would spend his days pretending to talk Japanese on the phone, telling people his name was pronounced Diamond not Dimmond, despite the spelling, and decreeing that his imported wares should sell for a £100.

To wide eyed school kids such a price forced us into diabolical pacts with one another. Pooling our pocket money to buy a game in a language none of us could understand just for the joy of chasing moogles only to be be bamboozled by the little bastards refusal to progress the game. To this day "Kupo" will always translate as "Fuck all" to me.

What does all this old man rambling have to do with DLC? At a glance, Kupo.

There is some method to my madness though, in previous generations of gaming a younger Me would go through Beelzeebubs back door in order to secure a game I desired. I would run, skip classes and consider making a few extra pounds around the back of McDonalds with some lipstick and mouth wash just for the opportunity to play through the latest arrival. I still keep my Listerine and Ruby Red on hand for emergencies and very dark nights.

After all the hassle and horrors of getting the game it was a self contained experience. We always wanted more from FF3, we'd defeated Kefka but what happened next? We wanted to suck more life from every game we owned, to explore more of that world and experience new stories. So we sit waiting for the next game, drooling and grasping at screenshots as we wait and wait and wait.

It was a pain in the arse. If someone had told me that for the cost of two beers I could have another hour or so of FF3 I'd have gargling mouth wash within ten minutes. I wouldn't have considered the business side of things, I wouldn't even have cared if I had to perform some crazed puzzle with a cartridge addon just to get the damned thing working. Content is king and we're finally entering the age where it can be crowned righteously.

With this in mind, it is sad to me how the Dragon Age DLC announcements were taken by the community. I could see it coming a mile away, but from the outrage and declarations of boycott a bystander could assume that Bioware had declared the game Whites Only. So hyperbolic are reactions on the internet and so rapid is the snowball effect of that first hyperbolic call to arms by some forum demagogue that the excitement of such an announcement is tainted.

Are questions reasonable? Sure, it's always good to ask what is going on, but there are people online who want to revolt against anything. They don't want good answers, they want a community in flames screaming at those poor CM's they consider tyrants and demanding the heads of the shady Gods they serve. They want to be indignant not informed.

It's a desktop revolution where they don't need to leave their seat to lead the charge. They'll make an impassioned plea over $5 -$15 content downloads so heartfelt that it brings tears to the eyes of the posters who /sign. Likely waving flags from their leather chairs and calling Viva la Revolucion.

I can understand where it comes from, there are a lot of reasonable arguements about DLC that get lost in the revolutionary chants that companies should definitely take note of. The majority of people want to see more of a game they love and have waited years for, they don't want it to end and would love more polished, professionally crafted content offered to them.

This is where the industry falls down at the moment, it has introduced a brilliant idea that combats piracy, gives them steady revenue and has a chance to evolve the player experience. However it is sloppily done, it is very much in the process of dragging itself from the swamp of amateur mods and standing tall. We're watching the damn thing shave off its neck beard, put on some pants and go out on the town instead of sitting in a basement waiting on a raid.

It's socially awkward and has no chance of getting laid if it keeps sweating in the public eye.

It needs to become steady, so steady and confident in itself that it can provide a constant stream of content across the life cycle of a game as a sequel is developed. Players need to know that this next week Awesome Installment X of Amazing Game Y is coming and they'll be there eager to sink their teeth into it. The wait kills anticipation and the lack of information makes it nothing but a cock tease.

In essence the DLC needs to become less stand alone and more fluid in its concept. Single player DLC 1 should lead to DLC 2 which leads to DLC 3 with the excitement ramping up and the release set in advance. It should be as much an experience as the main game and the anticipation of release should be like fans gathered for a new episode of their favourite show. NWN Premium Modules were a brilliant example of this, the level of polish was superb but they came so far along in the games life cycle that they never achieved their potential before Atari stamped on Biowares fingers and made them let it go.

A truly short sighted move and that goes double for the lack of vision in failing to start it up straight away for NWN2 under their own banner.

I'm using Bioware as an example here, more than anything else as it seems that they want to do things right this time and I really hope they pull it off. Developers are constantly trying to push out DLC like Cinema releases rather than Television shows. I can understand it, but there is no real flow to it the excitement generated is stunted.

People need to get used to DLC, but first they need a framework for receiving it. The industry can't rely on making multi million dollar bets that Generic MMO A or Mundane Shooter B will hit the mark anymore, it needs steady revenue to support itself during those massive development downtimes. DLC can be the breadwinner but it needs to be promoted and polished in how it is delivered and presented to players.

When I talk about walking through the rain and fighting friends for games, I'm talking about how the industry was born in the mind of its original demographic. It was wonderful, confusing and bloody awkward These days the press of a button brings you whatever you desire and the tolerance is torn away for mistakes. So it is for DLC, you hunt for information and it is confusing, you want it but you don't know if it's here this week or the next. It just arrives many times without fanfare or real understanding and the trolls are ready to scream their wallets are being raped and their accolytes ready to nod.

Change that perception, change dartboard release dates and hit the sweet spot and the industry starts to evolve in a magical Disney way rather than the full footage of caesarean birth we're watching at the moment. We're in the age of instant content and immediate upgrades, what the industry needs is a platform that understands this and offers a clean showing of what is to come. Vague whispers of things yet to be seen and marketing speak about DLC plans don't energize a demographic who have so many competitors seducing them hourly with screenshot and video bukkake.

This is obviously based around larger scale DLC than Horse Armour and the like, I'll probably go into those smaller purchases and the MMO cosmetics another time.

Rickety Hobo Killed in Bin Theft Tragedy.

Once, many moons ago I told myself I would never roll up a blog. What's the point? They're for tool bags, egotistical loon bars and strangely chunky people with no real passion for what they're scribbling about except that "someone" might read and take them seriously.

Nine times out of ten, much to my surprise and growing horror, they're not only read but applauded by Double tool bags and heralded as the second coming of the saviour by Doubleplus loon bars. Each one chunkier than the last. So here I am, pitching my tent next to such luminaries as "Slash fiction writing 38yr old, seeks younger" and "Everything I don't like is commie-nazism".

The kind of people who snore and roll around grunting, sweating and writhing in their slumber like a bearded Cthulhu. Essentially the kind of people you don't want to pitch a tent near as the evenings will be awkward and the days cheesy with hints of unwashed shirt. The internet is a Twilight Zone camping site, where through the power of Narrativian Physics everyone sets up shop next to their worst nightmare and is but a finger dance from depravity.

We're all neighbours. Mornin' Mr. Cup, how are your two girls getting on? Really...I'd call a psychiatrist. Hey there Goat Man, you might want to get some ointment and a plaster on that.

So why spew forth my own ideas into the already undulating cistern of sanity sapping suggestions?

Well, I like to write and I like to come up with Dick Dastardly style schemes for gameplay, design and community care. If I can throw them at the internet then it means less time talking to Mirror-Me about it over a Jack Daniels in the bath. There's also some great blogs out there that I enjoy reading and it warms my shriveled heart to think someone might get some entertainment from my ramblings.

Maybe even a small orphaned child at Christmas will run across an abandoned laptop and with shivering hands warm themselves using the screen as a kindly hobo teaches them how to read using this blog. If you're reading this small orphaned child and well meaning hobo, stay away from my bins or it'll go badly for you. I don't have rickets so I have an immediate advantage in a fight.

That's all for now, seeing as I've spent seven paragraphs saying nothing before hammering the irony button I think I've cracked this blog deal on day one.